Well, it’s November and my city is officially drizzly, wet, and cloudy. This is my only excuse for why I got sucked into watching one of the shopping TV channels more than once this week.

I’ve never ordered anything and I’m not usually interested in the products – what I am drawn to is the back story behind the celebrities flogging their wares. I like to watch them closely as they chat with the shopping host. I like to listen to the little anecdotes they throw in about their personal lives.

Luckily I write for this blog so I can tell my husband I’m doing research for an article when he catches me. And, luckily he would only read this blog if it was about software, gadgets or design-related stuff so he’ll never find out about my guilty pleasure.

Most recently I’ve seen Joan Rivers, Suzanne Somers, and an intriguing chicken roaster (not all at the same time, of course).

This led me to wonder about what other celebrity-branded jewelry is out there. Here is what I’ve found so far and what I think:

Suzanne Somers

Suzanne Somers’ most famous product has got to be the thighmaster (which she still sells, by the way). However she has branded so many different things that her website is almost as well-stocked as your local Walmart. She sells fitness equipment, supplements, books, skin care, a teeth whitening system… she even has her own line of pasta! Imagine if she had hooked up with Gene Simmons: what a merchandising match made in heaven – they might have taken over the entire world.

Here is an example of her jewelry.

Rhodium Cross Pendant

To be fair, she does offer some jewelry that is less offensive, but this one just jumped out at me.

Rhodium is also used to build catalytic converters – too bad this bit of Rhodium escaped from the car manufacturer.

Rhodium Cross Pendant

Rhodium Cross Pendant

If you bought this cross after seeing it on a shopping show, don’t fret, I completely understand. While I was watching her, she addressed the camera spoke to us directly. She instructed us to order now and then stared intensely into our eyes. I watched, hypnotized, as the number of sales rolled up and the bauble she was selling sold out right in front of my eyes. Only then did I let the breath that I was holding out, smug that I had escaped purchasing earrings and a matching gold necklace for almost two hundred dollars.

Joan Rivers

When I saw Joan Rivers on the shopping channel it kind of looked like the host was afraid of her, and probably with good reason. Joan Rivers would just speak right over the host on topics not entirely related to the products on hand. She seemed a bit impatient, like she was late for another appointment – and, possibly, a bit out of it. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was going on and this mystery kept my attention for a very long time.

Photo Watch

This is a watch offered in the Joan Rivers collection.

Photo Watch

Photo Watch

Because every crazy cat lady wants to bring photos of all of her ‘children’ with her when she is taken away to the hospital.

It also helps recluses keep track of when their favorite programs are coming on TV.

Pharrell Williams

Pharrell Williams is considered a super producer in the music industry. He is also the lead singer and drummer of N.E.R.D.

Charming N.E.R.D.

Last January, Pharrell came out with a jewelry line. I thought his stuff was pretty nice until I found out that they were selling for up to $621,000. Now I’m just wondering which of my single friends I should set him up with!

Charming Prince Pharrell

Charming Prince Pharrell

Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie named her jewelry line House of Harlow, after her daughter and there are some interesting pieces in her line.

This is not one of them.

Leather Cuff

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

If Suzanne Somers and Gene Simmons had married their merchandising and licensing empires, they could have spawned commercial mastermind super twins like these two.

Robert Lee Morris for Elizabeth and James

The twins teamed up with one of their favorite jewelers to create a line of jewelry for their brand Elizabeth and James.

Just in case you didn’t watch them grow up on TV, here is further proof that Mary-Kate and Ashley are just not regular, ordinary people.

Elizabeth James

Elizabeth James

If they had grown up like plain old you and me, they would know that you can buy jewelry exactly like this from most street vendors, carnies, and flea market vendors in pretty much every city in North America.

I’m not saying I don’t like it, just that I’m not willing to spend more than twenty bucks on it.